03

Apr
10

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #33

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

Hi everyone, there’s a holiday coming up – whichs means it’s time for a good old Pros and Cons list. Enjoy!

Pros and Cons: Easter!

Con: Eggs
Real, actual eggs. Sure they’re good, hard boiled eggs are great actually – but in the context of an Easter egg hunt – you’re out for two things and two things only – eggs filled with candy and eggs filled with money. Sorry, hard boiled eggs – you’d be a ‘pro’ on a random Tuesday. But today, you’re the #1 con.

Pro: It’s the long ‘holiday stretch’
Which means knowing that after Easter you don’t have to have to see your family until July 4th (or not until Thanksgiving if you ain’t ‘Merican)

Con: Easter dinner
Yeah it’s definitely good, but it’s not the staple of the holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas, so, yeah you get ham – but Aunt Lee isn’t gonna put as much thought into it like she does at Christmas.

Pro/Con: Peeps
I put this as both a pro and con because it seems that people are 50/50 divided on them. Some people think they are disgusting and others thing they are delicious (despite how disgusting they are).

Pro: Watching little kids find eggs
That way you know who the slowest one is – that’s the one you want to steal your eggs from.

Pro: METALLICA!
They have nothing to do with Easter – but man those guys rock!

Pro: Cadbury eggs
What God should have made instead of real eggs.

Pro: MONEY EGGS!
Oh man, when you are at a fast paced egg hunt and you pick up one up that has a metallic ring to it – you pop it open and QUARTERS?!!?! WTF! Pro!

#1 Pro: FORREALS MONEY EGGS!
When you find an egg that doesn’t have a metallic ring to it, but open it later to find it’s a dollar bill! That’s what Easter is all about.

So, it looks like Easter gets a good solid thumbs up from us – just remember to take a moment to really think about the meaning of the holiday – Cadbury Eggs.

Happy Easter from BBC!

28

Mar
10

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #32

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

Reality TV shows.

Have you seen these things? I have! I most certainly have…because they are everywhere! Everywhere!

Even on TV!

Well…only on TV….actually.

Anyway, have you seen these shows? These “reality” shows? I mean, am I really supposed to believe that the stuff on ‘L.A. Ink’ actually happens? I guess I’m just supposed to believe that people walk into a ‘shop’ and get ‘tattoos’…hahaha…ok, right! Maybe on your planet, weirdo…but not mine.

What’s that other one that’s on Discovery Channel…oh yeah – ‘Man vs. Wild’ – and it’s supposedly hosted by a bear? Umm…no. I hate to be the one to say this…but that’s a dude on that show…as in – it’s a guy, a human. PLUS, I’ve been everywhere in the world from New Jersey to California, and from Texas to North Dakota, so, literally everywhere – and I don’t see where most of those places he visits are. Big Snowy mountains and arid desserts…riiiiight.

Oh, and I saw one the other night called ‘Batman Returns’ on the movie channel…am I really supposed to believe this too? As soon as I saw it, I knew it wasn’t really a batman…it was Michael Keaton. Like, it was obvious. I watched it for a few minutes and can say 100% sure that it wasn’t real.

Anyway, I’m not trying to ruin ‘reality TV’ for you guys – just trying to get you to be a well-informed TV viewer.

Like me.

12

Mar
10

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #31

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

Yes, I’ll have the Cowboy double cheeseburger…and I believe the lady will have POW 31!

Yippee! The POW is back! Yeah, we kinda took a break (act like you noticed) from this little weekly exercise in textual comedy. We had a lot going on here in the POW department of BangBoomCrash HQ (Mikes couch). Firstly, was the ton of snow that we got over here on the east (better) coast. What a crapfest that was! Four or something feet of snow over two weeks? Really?

Secondly was the new server upgrade that our IT department (Stefan’s cousin LJ) set up. We replaced the original web server (1999 Compaq Presario/Windows 98) with a brand new (found on big trash day) web server (2002ish Dell XPS/Windows XP Pro – not braggin’…just sayin’). So, everything has been re-setup on the new hardware and seems like it’s running awesome except the spell check keeps confusing random words and auto-correcting them before we can breadsticks carpet house.

But whatever, doesn’t matter! The important thing is that we’re back in business (grown men filming silly videos). So, let’s get into the funny with this new POW before I hit the 942 character lim

07

Feb
10

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #30

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

“Hey, office dog! C’mon boy! C’mon office dog!”

That’s what you’d be saying if you had an office dog! I’m talking about a dog that is allowed to hang out at your office. Like, it lives there. Like, it was bought and brought to the office for the sole purpose of being the office dog. You could put your company’s name on a little dog shirt and put it on him and he’d just hang out and walk around all day, but that’s just a suggestion.

It’d boost morale like nothing else. Imagine – you’d get off of a long call with your boss that basically called you an idiot for 34 minutes for something that you now realize was a bad idea – you know what you could go do after the call? Hang out with office dog, man! You could go give him a biscuit and shake his paw, too! You could even take him for walks on your lunch hour!

AND it’s your lucky day because I have a perfectly good office dog right here, ready to go – and it can be yours for FREE!!

So, hurry up because this offer won’t last long and I have to get this Doberman out of the janitorial closet by Monday because management here is flipping out on me for…something unrelated.

Not because of the stray dog I brought to the office…

…it’s because it has rabies.

ACT NOW!

30

Jan
10

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #29

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

In-laws.

How many times have you heard ‘ugh! I hate my in-laws’ from your friends, family, co-workers of both the male and female genders? Every day? Sure, why not? Hating your in-laws is kind of an expected part of marriage. It’s kind of anticipated that when you get married you’re not going to like your in-laws.

But not me.

My in-laws are awesome. They’re great, really. I kind of feel bad for my friends with the typically annoying in-laws. Ya know, the kind of in-laws that thousands of comedians have complained about for years. I actually have it so good with my in-laws that when I’m over visiting them I create drama with my imagination, just to kind of relate to those who don’t have the cool kind of in-laws I do.

One of the funnest things I do though, to create that imaginary drama, is that whenever my in-laws yell at the family dog I like to pretend in my head that they are saying it to me. A couple things from just the other night went like this:

NO! NO! NO! DON’T EAT THAT!
The stupid dog got up on the counter and ate the taco dip. Stupid dog.

UGH! God, you stink!
That stupid dog was out in the rain and came back in smelling like a wet…dog.

GO AWAY!
The stupid dog would not leave us alone when we were eating! Stupid dog.

YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR OUR DAUGHTER!
The dog was actually being OK when they said this one, but ya know. Stupid dog.

22

Jan
10

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #28

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

Man.

I hit a car today. Like…smashed it.

I smashed a car today.

Man. It just really sucks – here’s what happened:

I went out to dinner last night for a friends birthday, lets call her ‘kt’. Now, ‘kt’ lives about 45 minutes to an hour away from where I live, lets call it my ‘house’. So, I leave my ‘house’ to go to the party for ‘kt’. It was a great time, really fun. I actually sat in between my wife and Stefan, but that’s irrelevant.

It turned out to be a way longer night than I expected. We’ve all been there, ya know. Sitting there at a dinner, with some of your best friends, drinking and looking crazy awesome in your new button down polo.

But whatever.

Anyway, like I said it was a fun night and we ended up staying until about 1:40 in the A.M, so by the time I got to bed it was about 3:45. I had to get up for work at 6, so I only got 2 hours of sleep.

So at about 6:45 in the A.M. I’m heading to work down a one way street, I kinda look away for a second and…

BAM!

I hit a parked car. Smashed it.

So, of course tons of thoughts went through my head – all I could think was ‘my insurance is gonna skyrocket’ – don’t get me wrong though I also thought about the persons’ car that I hit, ya know? I was thinking ‘this dudes gonna come out to see his car smashed today’, ‘this guys gonna have to figure out how to get to work for awhile, maybe weeks’, but most of all I felt bad because ‘this dudes not even gonna know who did it’.

Anyway, my Hummer got scratched and grape Tab was sold out in the soda machine at work. So…yeah, pretty crappy day.

11

Jan
10

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #27

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

Hey its pow 27 and this ones gonna be good i promise! its gonna be all about new years resolutions and how col new years is!!! what did you guys do for new years i? just stayed in but it was still prety fun i watched carson daily on teh tv and made a venn diagram about the simlatires and difernces betwen him and dick cliark are but the only simolarity was the hosting new years on nbc so in the end it was a preety good night and at the stroke of midngiht i decided that my new years resoluation was going to be to quit drinkint and writing POWs, so far so god lol happy new years

13

Dec
09

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #26

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

I recently read a news report that said there may be a link between that little wonder of technology we know as the cell phone and all kinds of brain afflictions!

I find this piece of news disturbing. Where do these news agencies get off trying to blame cell phones for something like this? What have cell phones ever done to them? By my measure, cell phones have gotten our country, nay, our world through some pretty crazy times and some pretty historical events.

I mean, wasn’t it cell phones that were responsible for the new world being discovered? When Christopher Columbus set sail across the vast oceans with the odds stacked against them and the waves reaching 30ft, what got him here? The experienced sea mean aboard the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria? NO! It was a sturdy, manmade, heavily built cell phone!

Years later when the pilgrims came to Plymouth Rock, what carried them when the winds got so strong that the strongest of men could barley hold on? What did they rely on to deliver them from tyranny? That’s right! CELL PHONES!

It was cell phones that…wait.

That’s boats.

I was thinking of boats.

I do that all the time, mix words up. It’s so funny – it’s like blurred vision and short-term memory loss and then I start mixing up my words, usually while talking on my cell phone.

Oh, and standing in front of my home X-Ray machine.

Anyway, if you have any questions about this POW give me a call on my cell. Actually, if you just have any kind of question in general about anything, give me a call. I offer all kinds of advice – oh, and discount X-Rays – I also offer discount X-Rays.

Right here in the comfort of my own boat.

06

Dec
09

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #25

BangBoomCrash Post Of the Week

I need a punching room.

If you don’t know what that is, don’t worry about it because I just made it up a couple minutes ago. So don’t worry, it’s not important – it’s not going to be on the test.

…or is it?

It’s not. But anyway I’d like to have a punching room – after a long, hard week at work and what not, I’d like to come home and…oh, sorry. I guess you don’t know what a punching room is. I guess I just kinda jumped into it without any kind of intro except for that whole ‘it’s on the test thing’. Well, let me explain what a punching room is, and it really isn’t on the test.

…or is it?

I’m not kidding – it’s not. Anyway, a punching room is where you would go whenever you’ve had a bad day and are just kinda grumpy and wanna go punch some stuff. In this room, you would have all kinds of stuff to punch. Plates, lamps, thin pieces of wood – but never, ever people.

Psych. Especially people.

Anyway, I don’t have a punching room but I think it’d be cool to have one. I told my wife about my idea for a punching room and she said ‘I don’t know what that is and don’t tell me it’s going to be on any test’. I explained to her what it was and also specified that it would not be on the test. I told her I wanted to start construction on my new punching room immediately. She said it was a nice idea and said I could pick one plate to take to the room.

“This one” I said as I picked up a nice big plate from the sink.
“But that one’s dirty” she said.
“Oh yeah… this one” I replied as I picked another one out of the sink.
“But that one’s dirty too” she continued “Tell you what, how about you clean all of the dishes that are in the sink and that way you have nice clean plates to choose your one from – after that you can eat this candy bar I got you.”
“Great idea!” I replied.

So, in the end it all worked out. All of the dishes got cleaned and I got that candy bar, just like I wanted.

26

Nov
09

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BangBoomCrashPOW – #24

BangBoomCrashPOW - Thanksgiving Edition

Ugh.

Are you wondering why the POW banner this week looks weird? Well, this POW is the Thanksgiving edition, so I asked our graphics department (Stefan) to “make me a banner for POW #24 and include turkey”.

The POW banner above is the official flag of Turkey, which has nothing to do with turkey. Still a pretty cool banner though, right?

Anyway, on to the POW.

Remember how we did a pros and cons list for the Halloween POW? Well…

Pros and Cons: Thanksgiving!

Pro: Turkey, duh!
Obviously, the whole point of Thanksgiving is the outlandish amount of food you will be shoving down your throat, but the best part of any of it is the turkey. I mean, what is this miracle food? It’s like that kid in high school that had a bookbag full of candy and just shared it with everyone because that’s how he made friends, ya know? Well, turkey is that kid. I mean white meat for you, dark meat for me…plus, hey, what’s that inside? Stuffing? Surprise! Plus when you’re done eating, it even puts you to sleep with its Tryptophan lullaby. Mmmm. Freakin’ PRO.

Con: “Turkey”
Or “Tofurky”. Tofu turkey. Gross, seriously. I’ve never eaten it but I can say with 100% confidence that it is disgusting. I know this because it is sold in brick form. The only food that is acceptable in brick form is cheese. Anyway, everyone knows at least one person who prefers tofurkey over the right thing but hopefully you’re lucky enough to know/hate this person enough that you can refuse when they offer it, but in the off chance that it’s your girlfriend/boyfriend – sorry you’re gonna have to choke this garbage down. Con.

Pro: This might be the year.
In every family there’s that confused teenaged cousin that you know is gay, but just hasn’t come out yet. Every family gathering, you hope and hope that this is the year that he stands up and announces that Keith isn’t just his roommate. You want him to come out because it’s probably the most freeing thing a gay person can do and he owes it to himself to be honest and proud and true and not back down to who he truly is inside, but also because it’d really piss grandma off. Pro!

Con: The kids table
The kids table would be cool if it were all your peers, but the kids table in most families can be for kids aged anywhere from 2-12. At 12 years old you’re cool enough to chill and eat your turkey and stuffing without throwing your food at the person sitting next to you. However, the two year old sitting next to you, isn’t. Con.

Con: The Macy’s day parade.
Why do you watch it every year? Tradition? The only thing on? Al Roker? For whatever reason, it’s been on TV on Thanksgiving for 112 years and you watch it every year, even though it’s all the same floats and same celebrities and same songs. None of the floats ever get loose and float off into the New York sky, so there’s really no point in tuning in. Plus, Macy’s must have some brass ones to try to rename Thanksgiving to Macy’s Day. Con.

Pro: Black Friday
Good deals, great sales, getting Christmas shopping done early, instant rebates. Pro.

Con: Black Friday
Traffic jams, bad drivers, rude people, long lines, disgruntled employees, not-so-instant rebates. Con.

Well, it looks like the cons win on this one – but what kind of Pilgrim would I be if I declared Thanksgiving a bad holiday?

Hey Thanksgiving, you’re a-ok.

Happy Thanksgiving from BangBoomCrash!