Hey there, this is POW 23. Pretty roomy, huh?

Ya know, at some point in your life you’re going to get into a fight. It might be in elementary school over a girl you like, or it might be when you’re an adult…over a girl you like – but regardless of when it happens, you’re going to need to know how to get out of it because if you don’t you’re going to get punched and brother, believe me, you don’t want to get punched. It hurts.

Anyway, I’ve listed out some proven methods I’ve developed for getting out of a fight. Don’t worry that some of the methods rely on the crowd that is watching the fight, because trust me, they’ll be a crowd. Know how I know they’ll be a crowd? Well, let me just tell you this – there’s going to be a fight between me and another dude tomorrow at 4.

Did you just check your calendar to make sure you could make it?

Of course you did, so did everyone else. If there’s going to be a fight and at least one person that is not in the fight knows about the fight – they’ll be a crowd. So, here you go – enjoy not getting punched. You can thank me whenever.

“The General Lee” – Right before the fight, when your opponent takes his first steps towards you, point to somewhere behind him and go ‘Hey! What’s that!’. He’ll look, and then turn back to you and say how he didn’t see anything. At that point you say ‘You don’t see that Civil War re-enactment?’. He’ll either think you’re crazy for seeing it, or he’s crazy for not. At this point, put both hands behind your back and lower your head while you walk around reciting the Gettysburg Address. Your opponent will either get bored and walk away, or stay and listen to the single greatest speech ever written. If he stays, he won’t want to fight you because now he definitely thinks you’re crazy. Victory!

“The Patriot” – Stage an actual Civil War re-enactment. However, the trick here is that one of the guns is REAL. When the fight starts, grab the real gun – the rest is self-explanatory but I’ll explain it anyway – grab the real gun and when the wind reaches a NW direction of 8-12 mph, point the gun at the nearest flag pole and shoot just below the truck assembly at the stationary Halyard (not the revolving Halyard) this will separate the snap hooks from the cleat covers and drop the retainer ring assembly onto the flash covers which in turn drops the flag on top of your opponent. While he’s trapped beneath Old Glory, run away. Victory!

“The Dante” – When the other guy shows up and the crowd is good and ready, look up into the sky and exclaim in a whiny voice ‘I’m not even supposed to BE here today!’ It’s a quote from the movie Clerks – everyone will get a good laugh and the situation will dissolve itself. Victory!

“The Freedom Fighter” - Take your clothes off. That’s all. Victory!

“The Dairy King” – (Or “Dairy Queen” for the ladies). Get the entire crowd on your side by saying ‘I was gonna take all of you guys out for ice cream, but I have this stupid fight to do…’. The crowd will turn on your opponent, scaring him away in hopes of getting treated to ice cream. When the other guy has been chased away, turn to the crowd and point to somewhere behind them and go ‘Hey! What’s that!’. When they all turn to look, run away. Victory!

“The Roosevelt” – Speak softly and carry a big stick. Just as the fight is about to begin, start mumbling things, quietly, under your breath, ya know – ‘speaking softly’. Your opponent will wonder what you’re saying and start walking towards you to hear better. When he gets close enough, hit him with the stick. Victory!

“The MVP” – Prepare. Before you ever even get in a fight, spend a few months lifting weights, eating right, doing pull ups and push ups, etc. Doing this will build muscle, making you very strong – strong enough to swing a big stick really hard. Victory!

“The Webmaster” – Spend all of your time indoors in front of a computer writing a weekly column for a comedy website – that way you’ll never interact with society the way normal people do thus reducing your chances of ever getting in a fight. Victory!

That’s it! Sounds pretty easy, huh? Let me just add that when you are getti…

What?

What’d you say?

Who are you calling ugly? That’s it, man! It’s on! Let’s do this!

Hey, what’s that!

Pittsburgh sucks.

I said, PITTSBURGH SUCKS!

I was driving to the store one night after work this week and walking out of a Sheetz parking lot were two kids. Locals, I’m sure. Probally about 13 or 14 years old enjoying the soda’s they had just purchased (or shoplifted – who am I to judge?). I didn’t really take much notice to the shorter kid, but the taller kid was wearing a shirt that said, in giant letters, nothing more than ‘PITTSBURGH SUCKS!’. Exclamation point and all.

Unbelivable? Almost.

Amazing? Yes.

Immaculate? Maybe.

Now, chances are this was an anti-some Pittsburgh sports team shirt in favor of whatever team is famous for being at odds with that Pittsburgh team.

I don’t know enough about sports to make that call.

I do know there is a big rivarly between the Boston Red Socks (or is its ‘Sox’?) and the New York Derek Jeters Yankees, but that’s the extent that my sports rivalries knowledge goes – but I digress.

Oh, and it was purple.

The shirt, not the kid.

Anyway, I said all of that to get into what was my secondary thought when I saw that kids, and that’s this:

What if that shirt had nothing to do with any sports team at all?

That would be amazing, no? It would be immaculate. If so, this kid for whatever reason, hates Pittsburgh SO MUCH that he spent money to express that hate. Man, that kid would have to be pretty cool, I thought.

But, nobody is that cool.

Not Bear Grylls, not Henry Rollins and not me.

And probally not that kid with the soda.

Probally.

Hey look the POW is 21! Tomorrow morning is gonna be ugly.

Anyway.

So Halloween has come and gone. Did you all get your fill of candy? Are your candy coated teeth falling out of your chocolate filled head? If you celebrated Halloween the right way, then they should be! Am I right? Did you get all the toilet paper off your trees and shaving cream out of your mail box? Good times!

Make sure you throw out those jack-o-lanterns before they rot because they become impossible to pick up once they rot.

Did you remember to set your clocks back or did you show up to work an hour early? Did you miss your appointments and have to reschedule?

Have you raked up all the leaves in your yard? Have you gotten your hats, scarves and gloves out of the closet and ready? Have you turned your thermostat up? Have you made sure your furnace is clean?

Have you?

Have you done anything to prepare for the winter? What are you gonna do if it snows? What are you gonnna do if there’s a blizzard? Oh God! What if we all get snowed in!?!?

OH MY GOD!

What if the snow piles up in front of our doors and windows and blocks all the sunlight!?! If the snow’s in front of the door I won’t be able to get out! I don’t know if I have enough bread and milk here to make it through the winter! This blizzard’s going to take out all the phone and internet lines and I won’t be able to call anyone to bring me supplies! Even if I can, the streets are packed with ice and snow so no one can even get here anyway!!! OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO STARVE HERE IN MY COLD DARK HOUSE ALL ALONE!!!

I’m really more of a summer person.

Halloween. All Hallows Eve. All Saints Day.

Halloween.

Halloween night is a lot of things to a lot of people – A fun night for the kids. A scary night for the elderly. An annoying night for dogs that hate doorbells and, I guess, just a usual night for the forgetful.

So, in the interest of fairness and since our demographic here at BangBoomCrash is kids, the elderly, dogs and the forgetful – let’s weigh out the pros and cons of this traditional fright night we call HALLOWEEEEEN! (I typed it out to sound scary – had it been said aloud).

Anyway.

Pros and Cons: Halloween

Pro: Candy
Butterfingers, Snickers, Skittles, freakin’ NERDS! Those awesome little boxes of Nerds that you would end up with like 50 boxes of at the end of the night. That was the best. If you are reading this and are saying you don’t like candy – you’re lying. Everyone loves candy. Even dentists. Especially dentists, they eat that stuff like…well, candy. Candy is the universal uniter – there’s a kind of candy for everyone. Hard candy, soft candy, sweet, sour, chocolate covered, chocolate coated, chocolate filled. Yeah, candy is a definite pro. Moving on.

Con: “Candy”
Pencils, pennies, apples, toothbrushes. I once got a coupon for Halloween. I remember it vividly; it was 40 cents off Quilted Northern. I was old enough to know that was total BS and young enough to have no need for it. Sure, I could use it now, but now is too late. I don’t have that coupon anymore because 10 year old me threw it out because it was not chocolate covered, chocolate coated nor chocolate filled. Someone needs to tell these people that this crap doesn’t count. None of this satisfies the “treat” part of the “Trick-Or-Treat” contract. A Bic pen doesn’t get you out of getting your house TP’d, even if it is orange and black. CON! MOVING ON!

Pro: Moving up to the pillow case
Somewhere around the age of 9 or 10 Halloween becomes less about your parents showing off how cute you are and more of a personal mission of yours to get as much candy as possible. That’s when you get the bright idea to move from the little orange-pumpkin bucket to a pillow case. You’re parents become the taxi for the night sometimes even willing to drive you 40 minutes to the rich neighborhood. Moving on.

Pro: The rich neighborhood
Somewhere around the same age that you switch to the pillow case is the time that you start building your mental map of all the neighborhoods with the best candy. You’ve been at this for a few years now and you’re starting to notice the trends, compare with your peers and starting to know your key neighborhoods as well as your fallbacks (the neighborhoods you go where the houses are so close you can bang out 50 houses in about 6 minutes). You start to get word that 1445 Howard Ave is handing out remote control cars and 1447 is handing out $10 bills. Pro.

Con: Scary kids
Four foot high Draculas that are good at hiding in small places. No thanks. Moving on.

Con: Having to quit
At a certain age, you become too old to go Trick-or-Treating – not to be confused with ‘too big’ because lets face it at 5’7″ I blend in with most middle-school kids and could easily pull off a night of candy harvesting. However, there’s the chance that I’d run into a co-worker or friend from high school and they’d ask where my kid was. I’d have to quick act like I lost him. “Where’d he go!?!” – I’d exclaim and try to walk away, but with my luck the guy I just ran into would be eager to help me find this “kid”. However, eventually I’d have to commit to my lie and steal some little Dracula to get the guy off my back. So, now at this point I’ve kidnapped a child and over an hour has passed – 1445 Howard Ave. is out of remote control cars and the $10 bill house turned off its porch light. Con.

Hmm…I seem to have listed just as many cons as pros, but let’s face it Halloween is awesome. It’s definitely my favorite holiday. I love everything about it, Quilted Northern coupons and all.

Happy Halloween from BangBoomCrash!

POW 19 is about to go on, come on in! No cover charge for las chica’s!

Here’s some more things that sound true but aren’t…or are they?

Category: Games

Ouija boards work by connecting to a wireless network set up by Parker Brothers Corporation who use remote control to move the pointers around on the game boards. Before the internet, though, Ouija boards were controlled exclusively by Satan, or…still are? I dunno, it’s one of those.

The barroom tradition that is ‘darts’ quickly becomes illegal if more than four Englishmen are present. This goes back to a 1919 law that was enacted to keep the five-player British dart teams from hogging all the boards in major cities of the day. The law, though not enforced today, was never repealed.

The makers of the popular party game ‘Twister’ were charged with several counts of ‘obscenity’ and ‘promoting lewd activity’ when the first Twister games were sold in 1952 – not because of the game but because they released several disgustingly pornographic films in 1951. The game was great; it was the films that got them in trouble.

10 cents from every iPhone app purchased goes to local dolphin rehabilitation organizations outside Silicone Valley, Ca. However, 50 cents from every XBOX game sold goes to funding something called ‘The Dolphin Cannon Project’. Little is known about it, but it’s pretty self-explanatory.

The 2020 Olympic Games is slated to include that weird cup-stacking game thing that people do.

The Buffalo Bills where originally called the Buffalo Marks – because there were three players all with the same name, ‘Mark’. It was changed to the Buffalo Bills when the three Marks left the team and the name wasn’t funny anymore. There was one guy named Bill, and he was very, very persuasive.

The Philadelphia Phillies where originally called the Philadelphia Marks – because the three Marks that left the Buffalo Bills left to start a baseball team. The name was changed when the three Marks left to start a basketball team – which they appropriately named the ‘Boston Celtics’…because of Boston’s rich Irish heritage.

The classic Microsoft Windows game ‘Minesweeper’ did not appear in any operating system after Windows 2000. However, if you boot your Windows XP, Vista or Windows 7 computer in Safe Mode and then do a System Restore to 1/1/1981, a coupon will appear in your ‘My Documents’ folder for $5.00 off the purchase of Windows 2000. That way, you can get Minesweeper.

That’s all. Thanks!

K…Bye.

Bye.

Hey, POW #18. The POW can now buy cigarettes, lottery and Playboys. Just don’t get carried away POW, once or twice – just enjoy the new freedoms once or twice, but just…don’t get carried away.

Anyway, enough about growing up. Let’s make POW 18 a Top Ten list. How about…

The Top Ten Names We Almost Named This Website And The Reason Why It Was Rejected

10.) MikeAndStefan.com: Someone got mad about this.
9.) RememberThatTimeKanyeWestGotOnStageWithTaylorSwift.com: That incident hadn’t actually happened yet. Isn’t it odd that we thought of that, all the way back in 2007? Odd.
8.) StefanAndMike.com: Someone got mad about this.
7.) ComedyComedyBoBomedy.com: If a guy named ‘Bo Bomedy’ ever joined our comedy team, the power of having the domain name named after him would have gone to his head, and quickly. Bo is like that.
6.) Googel.com: We thought people misspelling the actual Google.com would drive a lot of traffic in, but it turns out Google already thought about this and bought every domain even CLOSE to the word ‘Google’ and they wouldn’t take 15 bucks for the domain name – or at least I’m guessing, because they never returned our voicemail(s).
5.) NoGirlsAllowed.com: This was a reference to one of our favorite comedy series of all time, ‘The Little Rascals’. The only problem was that girls ARE allowed at BangBoomCrash, so, ya know..whaddya do?
4.) YuoTube.com: See #6 above.
3.) RachelRaysAngryBicycleWarehouse.com: I’m actually not sure why this name was in the running, but looking back, I wish we would have picked it. Man, that’s a good name.
2.) S&Mcomedy.com: Way too much unwanted traffic to this name.
1.) CrashBangBoom.com: Come on, that just sounds stupid.

So, you know how the story goes because, well, you’re here at BangBoomCrash and unfortunately, not RachelRaysAngryBicycleWarehouse.

Such a good name.

Hey!

HEY!

Hi, what’s up? How’s everyone been? Good? Good, me too. So, are you asking yourself why a few posts down is POW 14 and now you’re reading POW 17 with nothing in between? Are you asking yourself ‘Where’s POW 15 and 16?’ Well, here’s the thing – I know it’s supposed to be our weekly column, I know this because it’s called the ‘Post of The Week’ and not ‘The Post of Whichever Week You Get Around To It‘. But I have a good reason for skipping the last two weeks. What’s the reason? Well just chill for a minute and let me explain…

See, here’s the real truth – it’s Kanye. Yes, Kanye West. See, what happened was Kanye was…or he came over to my house and was like..er…no, see…

Ok, I don’t have an excuse for not writing POW 15 and 16.

But come on…let’s face it. POW 15 would have been a classic piece of comedic writing worthy of whatever prize they give to comedic writings…it would have made you laugh for long after you read it – while you were at work, while you were in the shower, while you were re-reading it amongst the company of friends. Each time reading it bringing you closer into our world, the world of BangBoomCrash. We would have truly shared something real, something special…something they can’t just come in and tear down because WE BUILT THIS! WE BUILT THIS!

But…

POW 16 would have been a lame attempt to live up to how funny POW 15 was, and honestly, it would have just embarrassed both of us.

So…

POW 15 was hilarious and unforgettable and nobody has to sit through the awkwardness and ramblings of stupid POW 16.

In the end, this kinda worked out for everyone, huh? I think we should keep this up. On that note, watch out for POW 29 in a few weeks – it’s gonna kick POW 15′s butt.

I took my dog for a walk tonight, he pee’d on a fire hydrant. I yelled at him for reinforcing a stereotype but he didn’t understand me because he did it 2 more times on the way home. I don’t know about him. He does this kind of stuff on purpose, I think. I mean, he’s a proud species but doesn’t seem to want to live up to expectations, or at least my expectations. I blame it on the internet. I don’t know what websites he goes to. Is there a way to find out what websites my dog goes to?

Psych. I know dogs can’t get on the internet.

But seriously, he can be a pretty bad dog sometimes. For instance, he likes to lay at the bottom of our stairs, it’s like his place I guess. It’s just where he goes to hang out and watch us do odd things he doesn’t understand like vacuum the floor or eat from a plate. Anyway, I said that to say this. I’m not sure if my dog is a jerk or just stupid because when I come down the stairs he doesn’t move. He requires people to walk over him. Is he a jerk or does he just not get that I have to walk over him? Sometimes I wish I could just put him in a box. Or a bag. What would we call that? A dog sack? A doggie duffle…bag?

Oh, a doggie bag. Nevermind.

Anyway, I can’t complain that much. Overall, he’s a pretty good dog. I mean he does stuff he’s supposed to. He knows how to sit and stay – unless he doesn’t want to. But most importantly, he doesn’t poop in the house. Well, he did once when he was scared. And actually twice in the basement, but that doesn’t count – who hasn’t pooped in the basement?

I haven’t pooped in the basement.

For awhile.

13? Is that bad luck? Should we skip this one? Skip it? Nah.

On my way to work today I was listening to the local NPR news radio station, WITF 89.5. This is the only station on the radio that I can stomach, besides the John Tesh Radio Show (Intelligence for Your Life), but that’s not on at 8 am.

They were talking about meth, as in Crystal Meth (yeah, THAT meth). They were talking to a reformed meth dealer and he said how you can go to Wal-Mart and spend $65 and make a batch of meth worth about $2,000. I wonder if that was just a roundabout figure, as to the best he could recall, or if it really is $65 to buy meth at Wal-Mart. Do meth dealers do research on prices? Are meth dealers smart shoppers? Was the $65.00 name brand ingredients or did they get the Wal-Mart brand meth ingredients?

Do they comparison shop? Clip coupons? Anything?

Is Wal-Mart the best place in town to buy meth? Did they even bother pricing Target, Shur-Fine, Giant or Weis? What about Amazon? Amazon sells all kinds of stuff. I’m sure you can buy Meth on Amazon. Amazon does the comparison shopping for you and delivers it to your house/crack house for a small markup. Is that markup worth the savings in time spent shopping to a meth dealer? Are meth dealers busy enough that home delivery is a consideration when buying meth ingredients?

I don’t know – I guess I don’t really care. If I had a title for this POW it would be ‘What a meth!’. I can’t take credit for that joke; a little birdie whispered it in my ear. (It wasn’t a real bird – I was high on meth).